To My Daughter,
I love you and miss you. I am so proud of you for coming out and saying you are pansexual. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are who you are and nothing anyone can say will change that. I have many friends in the LGBT community and will tell you as my daughter I know my friends would welcome you in their community. If you ever feel lonely and feel like the people around you don’t understand you, know this your school life is a short period of your life and before you know it you will be adult on your own with lots of friends who accept you for who you are.
I went thought this in a different way. I was made fun of for liking anime and was told I need to grow up. I had doctors asked me if I was seeing anything between the lines while I watch anime. They try to say I was crazy for watching anime at ago 30. They could not understand anime is a art style with many different gene. However, it was not the doctors that was doing it, it was your dad and your grandfather making the doctor ask these question to me as I was lock up over night. They reason your dad never want to talk about it was because he was embarrassed of me for liking anime. I was always afraid to have the conversation with you for I know you view your dad and grandfather different than how I view them. However, I cannot erase the experiences I had in my past.
I will be the first to say that in the past, I have not been the best mom to you for I was dealing with major depression and anxiety. I did not make the best decide at the time. Also, your dad and I did not have an health relationship, we fought a lot. At the time, my reaction was to run away which made things worst. I learn later on thought counselor that running away was not wise. I was afraid of conflict and anytime we got into a augment about anything, fear took over.
I have been facing my fears and roller derby have help with that. I have more confident in myself and I am not afraid to say what I am really feeling. I am not the same person back than and I have learn how to deal with conflicts. I work for a company for 3 years where my job was doing collections. I had to deal with unruly people on a regular basic. I learn to not fear people yell at me and learn to keep my cool under pressure. This was a big deal for me because growing up I was physical abuse by my dad, your grandfather and mentally abuse by my step mom. So anytime I was around loud noise, people yelling, it scary me. I was afraid that a physical fight may take place.
It have been hard not seeing you in the last five years, but I am grateful to this time to work on myself so I can be a better mother to you. It is a hard time to do and I may be make out to be the worst mom ever. But I know I need to be able to support myself before I can support someone else.