Showing My Butt To The World

I have been so motivated to write lately. And the reason why is because for years when I was married, during the separation and after the divorce I was not allowing to have a real conversation with my children. I had a messing divorce. At first I did not know that was what my ex-husband was planning. At the time I was really depression and had bad anxiety. My ex-husband had me throw into a hospital over night for suicide attempt which at the time I was not suicide. I have been in the past and he took advance of this. During that time, I was in the hospital he went to the magistrate office and got a restraining order again me to keep me from my children. When I got out of the hospital, he met me in a public library and had me sign a separation papers that he wrote himself. At the time I was shocked from being in that disgust environmental surround by crazy people and mortified by what he was saying to me. When I first saw the documents, I asked if we are getting a divorce and he say “No,” and follow with, “I just want you to get help for this is temporary.” It was sick months later that he admitted that he wants a divorce and say that our marriage was over two years ago.  I asked him about all the time that we had sex during that two years and when he says he love me, he says that all these things did not count.

Over the separation period I went to abuse counselor and was told that what he says about the time we had sex did not count, by him saying that it is a form of sexual abuse. I learn thought going to counselor that I was emotion abuse by him. I made the decide to move on and try to have coordinate relationship with him as parent to our children only. However, that did not work very way, he would cut me off from the conversation with my children just to remind me about mine traumatize events in front of the children yelling at the top of his lung (I only had phone contact with them). Over the years, I got better at ending the conversation before he would do that. However, the children could not tell me how they really feel. I felt lost as a parent that I could not be there to help them and powerless to do anything about the situation.

It was not until recent that my daughter wrote me a letter and I wanting to write back to her. However, my ex-husband had voice out to me many times that if I wrote anything unappropriated that he would mark out with a black marker that part in the letter. And his definition of unappropriated would be things like if I asked my daughter if she would like to go to the high school in my area. He says that was unappropriated. She asked me in the letter what happen back when she was younger and wanting to know for herself. She understands that her father would not want her to know but she was asking me for an answer. I so want to give her an answer but I know because of the separation paper that I sign I could not have a conversation without her father listen in over the phone and I knew from what he told me and his action in the past that he would want to hide everything important I have to say to my children. So, I made the decide to go with a public letter to my daughter because I want for my daughter to know my true feelings and thoughts.

My ex-husband has read my letter to my daughter and want me to take it down. He is ever threatened to take legal action on me. I have done some research on the matter and my letter does broken any privacy laws. For I did not say any names or address. Also, because the facts are true, and this is a testimony to my experience, I am protection by Freedom of Speech. In fact, the only time we really see this kind of stuff is when the person who is writing is a best seller and publish thousands of books and the person, they bad talk was a celebrity or government official.

To be honest, I feel like I have very little to loss, I feel like I lost the most important thing in my life a long time ago and that was my children. I feel like I would like him to take me to court because than I could bring up how he blocks me from having a relationship with my children. I have gotten so use to rebuilding my life that I know I will always have a roof over my head because I am a veteran with a voucher and he would not be able to take that away from me.  I think the courts would laugh at him for trying to sue me. I maybe reckless for thinking this way; however, I don’t like the idea that I have to be quiet when someone else is enjoying their life because they step on someone for that happy life. I guess you could say this is human irrational thinking at it best.